How I allowed trauma to lead my life | Fractured to wholeness

Fractured to wholeness - Finally Getting In Touch With My Feminine Side.

Chapter two: How I allowed trauma to lead my life

If you had asked me if I ever thought I would be sitting here now, single, feeling free, independent, spiritually gifted, whole, and balanced! Oh! And confident as hell! I would have said absolutely not. For as long as I could remember, I was either in a depressed, numb state or so on top of the world that I felt untouchable. One extreme or the other. New struggles constantly arose, and back then, I couldn’t figure out why my days kept getting worse. Little did I know, I was born with a target on my back, a truth that was physically and spiritually so real & yet so hidden from me.

In my 20s, I was too focused on the wrong things; being accepted by my peers, relationships, etc. All which made me blind to the real meaning of life: love. Sure, cheesy! Right? But seriously. It wasn’t that I was completely disconnected; I have always been a huge "lover girl," though only a selective few got to experience that sweet side of me. Many met me with a mask on. It was easier for me to be who everyone expected me to be. Because of that, I noticed I was becoming too critical of people. I Kept questioning why. Me, not realizing I was just seeing people for who they actually were & not the person they portrayed to be. I could see right through their mask! I was reading their energy before I even knew what frequency meant. At first, I thought I was being too judgmental and that maybe I had to fix something within me… nope, it was them. But if I called these people out I knew they would cut me out of their lives. So I lied & played nice to fit in. 

Not that I needed to, even in my youngest years, people were unknowingly attracted to my light. As if the inner child spirit they saw In me died within them. Though, of course, I didn’t know it at the time. It was difficult to see it all from an outside perspective. Even through all those out of control events in my life, I felt protected; lucky, even. 

And almost, as if out of an instant, life started testing me. After high school, it was lesson after lesson, wrapped in toxic friendships or dependent - intimate relationships or should I say, relations. All while being programmed to chase the “American Family Dream”, whatever that was. Scandalous, darling, I know. Life got very real. Even through it all I tried my best to be a helpful daughter, wife, and friend. Yet somehow, it felt as if everything still backfired on me. I’d take one step forward, only to take a few steps back. Example, introducing my bf to a friend just to find out my boyfriend had been cheating on me with said friend. How about, coming home to my clothes halfway already packed for me, or find another girl’s underwear hidden in my husband’s shoe. Being choked for asking about a girl he claimed was just a friend. Hhmm, being left out in the cold, (& financially sucked dry) after trusting the one person who promised me could be trusted. The list goes on. So yes, I guess I had some issues. 

Life is funny that way: you ask for strength, it gives you something to be strong about; you ask for patience, it gives you a black eye (literally, that fool hits like a bishh tho).

The point is to recognize what’s actually happening right before your eyes, not the idea you created in your head. It is about taking baby steps towards a healthy lifestyle, which is something you need, to aid the evolution of your soul on this plane. You need to find your center. Befriend the real you. Until you recognize your passion for living, a reason to keep you going… your balance.

I think we all must recognize and acknowledge that those scattered parts of us that were left behind with every partner who betrayed us, left behind with every fight we fought when no one was watching, and the dead parts left in other lifetimes lived where we were prosecuted for speaking our truth (Because yes, this is a spiritual war), all of it was created to help us elevate mentally, spiritually, physically. These traumatic events didn’t conclude with us just having to carry our scars, it’s to share those scars with those who need to hear, hear that they are also not alone in a world that is always out to get you.

Those baby steps will always lead you to the answers you desire so deeply. Answers that won’t arrive unless we quiet the mind and connect the dots your intuition throws at you. 

Life will bloom again; it wants to bloom for you. Through you. That is what I’ve learned. As you bloom, our paths will open right before our eyes(if we pay actual attention). Life wants you to choose to be happy, even when it is testing you. That’s THE JOURNEY, that’s where our beauty & strength live.

I see you. I love you.