Fractured to wholeness | My Memoir | How I allowed trauma to lead my life

Fractured to wholeness - Finally Getting In Touch With My Feminine Side.

Chapter two: My Memoir | How I allowed trauma to lead my life

If you had asked me if I ever thought I would be sitting here now, single, feeling free, independent, spiritually gifted, whole, and balanced! Oh! And confident as hell! I would have said absolutely not. For as long as I could remember, I was either in a depressed, numb state or so on top of the world that I felt untouchable. One extreme or the other. New struggles constantly arose, and back then, I couldn’t figure out why my days kept getting worse. Little did I know, I was born with a target on my back, a truth that was physically and spiritually so real & yet so hidden from me.

In my 20s, I was too focused on the wrong things; being accepted by my peers, votación etc., which made me blind to the real meaning of life: love. It wasn’t that I was completely disconnected; I have always been a huge "lover girl," though only a selective few got to experience that sweet side of me. Many met me with a mask on. It was easier for me to be who everyone expected me to be. Because of that, I noticed I was becoming too critical of people, not realizing I was just seeing them for who they really were. I thought I was being judgmental and that maybe I had to fix something within me, nope, it was them. But if I called people out, they would stop talking to me, so I lied to fit in. 

Not that I needed to, even back then, people were unknowingly attracted to my light, though of course, I didn’t know it at the time. Even through all that, I felt protected; lucky, even.

But just then, life started testing me. After high school, it was lesson after lesson, wrapped in friendships or intimate relationships or should I say, relations. Programmed to chase the “American Family Dream”, whatever that was. Scandalous, darling, I know. Life suddenly got very real. I tried to be the best daughter, wife, and friend, yet somehow, everything would always backfire. I’d take one step forward, only to take a few steps back after finding out my boyfriend was cheating on me with my friend, or come home to my clothes halfway packed, or find another girl’s thong hidden in my husband’s shoe.

Life is funny that way: you ask for strength, it gives you something to be strong about; you ask for patience, it gives you a black eye (literally, that fool hits like a bishh tho).

The point is to recognize what’s in front of you, not the idea you created in your head. It is about taking baby steps towards something new until you find yourself, the real you, until you find what keeps you going, your happiness. You must recognize and acknowledge those scattered parts you left behind with every partner who didn’t deserve you, every fight you fought when no one was watching, and the dead parts left in other lifetimes where you were perhaps persecuted for speaking your truth.

Those steps will always lead you to your answers.

Life will bloom again; it wants to bloom for you. Through you. That is what I’ve learned. As you bloom, these paths will open to you. Life wants you to choose to be happy, even when it is testing you. That’s where your beauty & strength lives.

I thank you. I honor you. I see you. I love you.