Fractured to wholeness - Finally Getting In Touch With My Feminine Side | My Tell All

 My Tell All

Fractured to wholeness - Finally Getting In Touch With My Feminine Side

Chapter one: the beginning of - Domestic Abuse in my relationship 

(Trigger Warning)

Today’s subject, abuse. Abuse can show up in your life in anyway through any thing, anyone, and it’s most hurtful when it shows up in a, what’s suppose to be, loving partner. Growing up I dealt with different types of abuse, but none of that prepared me for the abuse that I was about to face in a relationship that lasted what would seem like centuries. The relationship started like any other, honeymoon stage, the catering, love bombing, It felt like authentic compassion. Little did I know that I was being prepped to see how much control he could have over my life. That’s what it felt like, I didn’t realize that I was slowly being deceived and manipulated. My kindness was taken for weakness. My partner sees every opportunity to slowly take control of my life. Sometimes he would pull away to make me chase him. Other times he was going through his own trauma, pushed me away, made me feel like I was the issue instead of him communicating properly. I was so traumatized from my childhood relationships that I wasn’t able to spot that he needed help and so I took it as neglect from him. Then it became a push and pull and we took turns, I would pull away & he would push, he would pull away I would push. There were the times where it would get worse and we would both pull away and in those periods where we would pull away I felt the most alone and instead of me communicating I kept quiet. We both acted like it never happened and would continue our lives, but then I noticed little arguments started to turn into opportunities for light physical push or intense grab. Without knowing arguments turned into wrestling matches that led to greater physical abuse. Next thing you know he was choking me while being pinned up against the wall. After all was said and done I was so shook that instead of dealing with it I would use my imagination to run away again, not dealing with the actual issue. Things gradually got worse, at that point we were both living a double life. Both of us still hanging on to what we think is love when in reality, we both felt like we only had each other because it was as if our families had disowned us. No one understood us. I wasn’t proud of the trauma bond that I had created with him, but I was so far deep that I had no clue how to get out, he had a hold on me I couldn’t describe. Until one day I snapped, gained unbelievable energy and strength and left only to come back a few months after. Thinking things were different. Eventually things went back to way they were in the beginning except things were a little different. This time he knew, He knew he had a hold on me and he wasn’t letting go, so I felt as if I was deceived. Seeing everything for what it was. I tried explaining myself for once. I tried my best to get him to see my side, though he would refuse to and he would get angry and I think it was because he didn’t understand or because he did and he didn’t want to address the mess. After two more attempts to leave this relationship, It finally happened. I got away and was left with so much to deal with mentally and emotionally on my own, but I finally stood up for myself. I allowed myself to feel everything that I was trying to run away from and gained so much clarity, strength and independence. I accepted situations for what they were and ended up clearing the path For my greatness to unravel and here I am now standing strong with so much love in my heart and so much love to give out, finally feeling whole once more.

I see you

I love you